Always On My Mind...

I hated myself immediately, but being the stubborn bitch I am the majority of the time, I just could not cease and desist. I guess I just assumed that you didn't want to talk to me. I let myself get upset over a status from weeks ago, that probably didn't have anything to do with me. But, of course, I read too much into it.

Constantly, I wanted to call you but I always felt that you didn't want to talk. I forgot that if I someone wants something bad enough they make it happen.

You're right. I don't know anything about anything anymore, cause I haven't been around. Why I haven't been, I do not know.

I guess it started over a year ago after my suicide attempt. I just feel like I want to talk about me all the time and I feel guilty about that. I'm a burden to everyone as it is and after that, it just got worse. I know, it doesn't matter. Hell, I know in the larger picture of the universe I don't matter nor do any of my supposed problems.

Unlike other things I've written, I am not writing this for myself. Fuck myself. I am writing this for you. It may not matter, but I'm sorry. I've been sorry every since that day.  Hell, I was sorry in the moment but couldn't stop myself.

That is all I need you to know. No matter what happens, I still love you. I always will. Okay, that sounds weird, but I know you know what I mean. Cause most of the time you always do. You know me better than I know myself. Which is why it hurts so bad, cause I do not know who I am anymore. I am just this living thing converting oxygen into carbon dioxide day in and day out with no direction just waiting for the day I'm not.

I just have to tell myself that I should have contacted you, to find out how things were. I should have contacted you the moment I thought you didn't want me to. A true friend seeks out and keeps the friendship alive. I didn't do that.

Please, do not think that I was angry because I didn't want you to be happy. That is a serious miscalculation. I'm ecstatic that you're so happy and finally in the place that you want to be in your relationship.  I was angry because I am not happy. I had it into my head that you were mad at me for no reason. Words that are read are easy to misinterpret. Hell, it makes me never want to read again.

So, anyway, that is it. I just needed you to know because I do not want to leave with you thinking the absolute worse of me, at least know that I am ashamed and hate myself for what I have done. I keep fucking up over and over again. Please just know, I am sorry. So sorry.

I've been listening to Willie Nelson's Always On My Mind, but I've been changing some of the lyrics. I thought I should share with you:

Maybe I didn't call you quite as often as I could have.
And maybe I didn't treat you quite as good I should have. 
If I made you feel second best, girl I'm sorry I was blind.
You were always on my mind.
You were always on my mind.
And maybe I didn't text you all those lonely, lonely times.
And I guess I never told you I'm so happy you're in my life.
Little things I should have said and done.
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Tell me tell me that your friendship's still alive
And give me
Give me one more chance to treat you right.
I will treat you right.
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
But you were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
 


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